Monday, May 08, 2006











I spent the day yesterday at the airforce base hospital, gathering with friends who are losing their sister/daughter/wife/mother to a rare, aggressively fast-moving form of cancer. Surrounded by the love and deep caring of her family, she lay in her hospital bed, near death. Her 3 young children were temporarily staying at the home of a relative, while her husband, father, sisters and friends rallied around her, taking shifts as her breathing became slower, more labored. I don't understand the reasons for death - why cancer or illness touches some like Faith, who was in top physical shape, healthy lifestyle, serving her country - wonderful person... while others who smoke, drink, are evil - whatever... just live to a ripe old age. I used to just accept this fact - knowing and believing that God's will is all that matters, whatever it is. Now I don't know that anymore. My own faith is shaken, splintered, and muddled. I can't even pray properly anymore - what to ask the Lord for is a mystery. SO much grief and sadness at losing one who you love so much. Why do we all have to die? Why be allowed to live, love each other, and then be crushed with grief at their loss? It can be too much to bear.

16 comments:

mergrl said...

As I have asked those questions many times myself, I still have no answers,I can only cling to my faith and hope that one day I will know the answers. I'm sorry about your friend (hugs)

Trée said...

Thoughts and prayers Terry. I don't know the answers to any of your questions but I will send as much positive karma wrapped in prayer out your way and to those in need. Godspeed to all involved.

Tai said...

My kindest thoughts are with you...I hope her family holds on.

Autumn Storm said...

I'm so sorry, Terry, I was so focused on how sad this was, I worded my comment in the worst possible way, a typing mistake but of the worst kind. What I meant to write was how very sorry I was for you, for her and for her family, xo

Mo'a said...

My thoughts are with you and your friends who are loosing a loved one.

javajazz said...

it is so very heartbreaking, and you're right to be
so downright frustrated and upset by it all, Terry, looking for answers why, trying to make damn sense of it all...i've heard it said that we are all here to learn, that sometimes people's deaths or illnesses etc, are for other people to learn something from...i also have noticed that those suffering from the illnesses seem to get drawn towards a kind of spiritual phase in which they almost seem more at peace with their lives than ever before, and i have wondered if this journey they are asked to take is part of this deeper learning...i remember a musician friend of mine, so innocently saying once it seems a shame to have learned a craft or skill or you spend your whole life learning to do something and then, poof, gone, it all kind of disappears when we do...he kind of wondered almost like a child would, almost in the way you are asking here, why this needs
to happen...perhaps we take the knowledge we have gathered from it all, out in to the world to share with others, to share our compassion for others who may need our emotional support...i dont know. sometimes it just sucks. and thankfully there are still good things mixed in with the not so good things here on earth...some kind of a balance, i suppose. thinking of you and all these sweet people. xo

Ranger Tom said...

I lost my mother to breast cancer three years ago. I'll never understand it either. She was such a vibrant humerous woman...

And hey, I smoke and drink and I'm DEFINATELY not evil!

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Your post really struck home with me. My heart is breaking for you and your friends.

I have gone through this, too. And it absolutely does leave your faith shaken and unknowing of what to ask God in prayer. Sometimes it takes a very long time to make it through this phase. And it's these times in which we are unsure of how to speak to God through our anger, grief, and confusion that our good friends step in talk to Him for us.

You and your friends are in my prayers. **hugs**

Keshi said...

I have few close ppl who suffer from Cancer...one is very young and got her whole life ahead of her...faith is all we have Terry.

Godspeed!

Keshi.

Jeanne said...

I cam by to jokingly say hi and found that this wasn't the place for that.
There is mercy in the fact that pain fades, and that people heal, and that even if we don't understand why (which I refuse to believe anyone does who is in the middle of it)there are loving forces that carry or absorb the weight for us when it is too much. I personally believe (most of the time) that it all comes right in the end.
I hope you have your Bear with you, at least in spirit.

tsduff said...

Thank you all so very much for your kind thoughts and words. They mean a great deal to me, and actually help me in my process of trying to sort out my feelings. Faith passed away last night at 2:40am - it was a hard passing but she is out of her misery now. The sorrow of her loss continues in the lives of the people who love her. Again, thank you all - each one of you for caring enough to write a comment to me. I'm trying to make sense of this all - but for some reason it is getting harder instead of easier the older I get. I imagined that I would become more accepting of the natural fact that people die - every single person on the planet will die. So why instead am I questioning it so strongly? Is it because the people that are dying around me are so close? Or is it because I am finally coming around to that big question of "What is the meaning of life" (better late than never)? All I know is that grief is hard, and hard to sit through without questioning it.

Autumn Storm said...

Terry, my sincerest sympathies, xoxo

Agnes Mitchell said...

Terry, I sit right here on this very sofa with you and ponder the same questions.
I will add you to my thoughts and we will ask them twice as loud...and try to be twice as patient for the answers.
Hugs to you hon. Hugs to everyone who has loved and lost.

Kathi said...

Terry I am so very sorry. It is always so hard to lose a friend. You, and her family, are in my prayers. It has been 5 years since a good friend of mine lost a long fight with cancer, and I remember having the same questions when she died because she left young children that she had so desperately NOT wanted to leave. I haven't got any answers, but I was granted some measure of peace...so I'm praying that you'll be enfolded in love and peace, even during the questioning.And I'm sending a hug to you and your Bear, who I see in a later post is going out of his way to help.

shyblues123 said...

Your post made me cry. I lost my mother to cancer 17.5 years ago - I was 11. You can't ask yourself forever about fairness - you have to put your trust in that old adage that everything happens for a reason and that there is a plan for us. I pray for her three young children becasue these things are so hard to understand as a child (not the death but the why) and the thought of all the time ahead of you without your mother is enough to overwhlem the even strongest of souls.

tsduff said...

Autumn - Thank you.

Agnes - You understand things to the core - thank you for your caring.

Kathi - You also are kind and understanding. I just feel at a loss about the whole thing - it paralyzes me. My Bear is such a comfort - what a light in the dark tunnel he is.

Shy, thanks to you for your reflections and prayers. Truly I'm at a loss and don't know what the big picture is. I used to have such a strong faith. Now I find myself without it. Life without your Mom at any age is awful to contemplate - I can't help but wonder why we have to have that loss? I've just prayed to God that He will allow no more losses in the near future - give us a break from grief.